after trying so hard for so long to stop it from happening . . .

. . . we finally drifted . . .

. . . whats wrong? . . . you look like . . . you've lost your best friend . . . tell me . . . is it something that I've done again? . . . you look like . . . you've lost your best friend . . . tell me . . .

Do i ever cross your mind...Anytime...I miss you..

i swear im trying

but everytime i see you

i break down

everytime i think about you

i break down

im supposed to be happy that we're still great friends

but im not

nor will i ever be

i cant be just friends with you

its . . you . .

you have given me by far the most successful relationship ive ever had

ive never been happier in my life than when i was with you

our week alone together in florida was by far the greatest moment in my life

and now ive never been more hurt

everytime i see you

everytime i hug you

everytime i kiss your cheek

everytime i play around with you like how we used to

a peice of me dies inside

i love spending that time with you so much, you really have no idea

but i dont know if i can handle it

it only makes me miss you more . .

at the same time, i dont ever want to loose our close friendship

but i feel like by us being friends like this, ill never be able to stop loving you

but i dont ever want to stop being your friend

i dont want you to become the one i see every now and then, and have the fake "how have you been?" conversation with

you mean far too much to me for that to ever happen

but at the same time, i feel more and more like thats whats begining to happen to us

and i hate it

one moment we are so close

one moment i swear we are about to kiss

and the next, i dont hear from you, or even see you

and it kills me

i feel like this summer is only going to make us drift even more

which is so different compared to how you gave me the greatest summer of my life last year

you have given a lot of "greatest" moment

in your words, you are "the closest ive ever had"

you said you'd never be truly able to get over me

. . i know i wont either . .

. . . i know its crazy . . . how i can still feel your kiss . . .

so um...yesterday morning when i went to go jump in my car...i cudnt cuz it wasnt there...somebody stole my car...n now, i wake up to a fone call saying that they found my car in valley stream, but the interior is stripped...what makes this all worse is that my parents took off fire/theft insurance off of my car...so now i got nothing...

just wonderful . . . just . . . wonderful . . .

so i come home last week, n i look at my car...n somebody hit it...somebody hit a parkedd car..ive had that car for two years now, and i havent even put a scratch on it...i dont even know who hit it...really dont have the money to be fixing it either...*sigh* damn...i dont even know what ima do...oh well, schools almost over...2 more weeks of class...2 weeks of testing n im out...hoping i dont have to take any summer classes...if i do, that'll make it a whole year straightt of school...n that wud suckk..well w/e..if i do, itll only be one class, so itd give me a reason to actually go to work over the summer...damnn its been a minute since i updated this thing lol

i hate poly...i hate poly with a passion....i bust my ass for what??...a 3.3??...i got friends goin to all sorts of colleges, people who i KNOWW im smarter than, comin back n tellin me how they did nothingg n yet get better grades than that....wtf is that...i got a stronger gpa than almost EVERYONE i kno at poly...n dats my word too....closest to me is lenny w/ a 3.0...shit, i even beat out my boys in the honors college...my 3.3 stands higher than almost everyone....i bustedd my assssssss for that grade...ive never worked so hard before in my LIFEEEEEEEEE....but no, its only a 3.3........n u kno what, thats what its gonna come down to...when it comes down to that resume, its not gonna be oh what school did u go to...its gonna be that gpa....cant get no good intern under a 3.5....if i went to ANYYYYY other college that 3.3 wud be an easyy 4.0....i kno people in my major at like stony n shit talkin bout how she didnt do anything this semester n how she slacked off soo much but yet she still got a 3.4....man, fuck poly...stays stressin me out...if it wasnt for that money, id be somewhere else...but thats just it...cant go anywhere else cuz parents cant afford to send me anywhere else...n its not even just me...polys retention rate is like 20%...EVERYONE drops outta poly after freshmen year....wanna kno the proof of that??...theres more freshmen than any other year (including grad students) combined....thats how many people drop out after freshmen year....damn i hate poly...

on the bright side...this poly hatred is what gets me going in the gym...ima get back to dat size i was b4 summer ended....and then some...